The Smell of Dying

by Michele
(USA)

I have been clean of meth for 5 years. My husband and I got clean together with no help from anybody and nobody knew that we were smoking it every day for 2 years. We needed to keep it a secret from our jobs and families. I was smoking it for 5 years before him. I have a lot of guilt thinking of our children and how we neglected them. They always had food and shelter -- well, almost always shelter. But, that's another story. My husband and I didn't spend any time with our children. Every day it got worse. The guilt was awful. Because of our love for our kids, my husband and I got sober. We got clean and we never looked back. Never. I don't think he even missed it, but, to be honest, I did. It was great to be skinny after years of being fat. The meth was the greatest diet pill ever. But, I managed to keep the thoughts secret from my husband while still managing to stay clean. After two years of being clean, I am honored to accept a position with our outstanding State Nursing Home. As the new Housekeeping Supervisor I have to be around all the chemicals. On my first day as new boss I eagerly reach for the disinfectant for one of my employees. I am immediately assaulted by the smell of burning meth in a glass pipe. All the stuff associated with smoking meth came at me hard and all at once. Memories of my poor little kids knocking on the locked bedroom door wanting to ask me something or show me something and us telling them to talk through the door or slide whatever it is under the door and we "Will look at it later." Images of them taking the shopping cart we stole from the supermarket because it is easier for the kids to go buy the groceries and lug them home in the shopping cart. My husband and I were too busy in our bedmethroom to even take them to get groceries! We would give them money and tell them to go get what they want. Those are the memories that come the hardest. They came so fast and unexpectedly after two years of sobriety I didn't react very well. Gasping, I jumped back and with very shaky arms I thrust the disinfectant at the employee, almost throwing it. He was looking at the tears in my eyes and about to ask me a question when the greatest thing ever happened. I almost retched! Instead I gasped, turned away quickly and ran to the bathroom. I startled him as much as I was startled. Nice first impression. I was so excited on my first day, now I have to endure the smell of the yucky disinfectant for as long as I have the job. I did unsuccessfully try to have that particular disinfectant replaced by another less caustic one. I am thankful though that I had that reaction. Now I know I will not succumb to the thoughts of doing the drug. For sure, I will stop having thoughts of doing the drug for I know the smell is intolerable to me now. Yay! As for the disinfectant, it became an almost daily reminder of my success in becoming clean and sober and staying that way. I had to relocate with my husband to another town when the economy went over the cliff, so I no longer work there but I know, because of that constant smell reminder I am free. I am liberated. What a positive outcome I got from a smell. Go figure.